Fool's April: the blog by kwugirl

...where nothing is sufficiently foolproof for the sufficiently talented fool

Blog Entries

A few roomie pet peeves.

Friday, 01 April 2005

Well, the first is that her alarm makes a REALLY annoying sound, but it's necessary because she's a deep sleeper (which is good with my snoring bit, though) and doesn't wake up easily so it blares out for several seconds before she gets up to turn it off. I don't have to deal with it when I have classes earlier than she does, but on the days that she also has 9am classes, it is very irritating because she needs to get up earlier before class starts. Luckily, I'm really quite good at the falling back asleep for half an hour thing. Well, that's not so good when I forget to hit the snooze button.

And the second is oh! Oh this beautiful sunshine out there!! but her desk and the window and our room are such that in the afternoon, starting around 3, the light glares onto her computer and desk so she pulls the shade down. I HATE THAT, you can never get enough natural light!!! I wish she would just move her laptop and work on her bed for a bit, that's what other people who also like sunshine do. And sometimes it isn't even because of the sunshine, I just hate having the shade down...our room is already pretty small and not having the view out the window makes it even smaller! Yuck, oh well. My roomie for next year and her current roommate keep the shades up all the time. I APPROVE.

{Posted at 03:01PM} {1 comment(s)}


Hormones and stress and lack of sleep can do that to you too, you know.

Friday, 01 April 2005

I'm not at a very good place right now. I'm really worried about my term paper for honors because of the genetics exam next week, and then there's this chem exam that's in less than 9 hours for which I still need to study a lot. I've been stressed out because of worrying about these academic things and worrying about what courses to take next year but even before that the details of what I'm going to do in the summer, as well as still coming to terms with that fact that in order to do what I want to do for the summer, I won't be able to see Dan very much.

I've been staying up late in order to get work done (which wasn't totally necessary because I could have not procrastinated and been more efficient, of course, but it's what happened) but then I can't fall asleep quickly when I do finally get to bed and then in the morning, I wake up 45 minutes before I need to. Also, this weekend isn't going to be very relaxing due to the 4Boston Spring Retreat which runs from Friday night to Saturday afternoon, so I don't get my usual time to do nothing in the exactly the way I want to in order to recuperate from the week.

And the hormones and whatnot. The last two days have been sunny, at least.

So I just got into a bit of a tiff with Paci, which was upsetting. I think that's happened once before, that time I took his set of SET (during Nationals '03) without asking. He got really mad about that. It was scary. Oh and that other time I thought it would be funny to tie his shoelaces to one of the senior lounge chairs and I also thought it would be okay with him too, but it wasn't...there was other stuff mixed in there though, not all my fault. Although the SET thing was me forgetting that it's only stealing stuff from Phil that's okay and that other people might not be so tolerant of the klepto bit. That's it though, I think.

Anyway, this one was kind of similar in that I forgot it's hard to throw an insult like "asshole" over im in a slightly exasperated-sarcastic kind of way and that Dan's the only one I say stuff like that ("jerk", "annoying", etc...I'm not particularly creative in that area) to regularly so he's used to it (although now I guess maybe it bothers him too--does it, darling? probably only when I really do mean it in a mean and nasty way, which is less often) so maybe other people wouldn't be quite so tolerant. And that most civilized people are able to handle disappointment and frustration better than the way I do, which can either be light jokes designed to make myself think I don't care as much as I do or sarcasm/insults hurled at cause of disappointment/frustration. Obviously, latter case tonight.

So it escalated a bit (I'm being a bit dramatic here, I'm sure, it wasn't that bad, I can't fight with anyone I care about for too long) with him some slightly unfair things which I took harder than I should have, etc. I started crying as I left work to walk back to my room and the one lady may have seen the initial overflowing of tears but she didn't say anything, and I ran into a friend on the way back but it's dark out and I can put on a good show for just a little bit if needed and she didn't say anything either, and my roomie's gone right now so I can indulge in a cry for a bit to relish and roll around in my misery (see paragraphs #1&2).

It's sort of okay now, I guess? I apologized and we talked for a bit more but then he left to "go to sleep" and since it was only around 12:30am then I'm not sure if it's really all okay. I still feel slightly unsatisfied, though. I won't ask him to visit me more than once this summer again, but I will continue to harass Dan about it. Well, I'm getting slightly better about that, I think, there's really not much I can do against his needing to work in order to pay for college and not be in too much debt.

Although I've brought up the (half-joking, quarter-hopeful/wishfulthinking and quarter-meanspirited attempts to induce guilt) pleads for him to transfer schools. Yeah, I am persistent, don't give up easily, or just plain stubborn. And mean, and selfish, and willing to impose on others to get what I want, too. Well, Operation Lost Socks worked out, so there was that one success.

Maybe you'll forgive me for all that just a little bit when I tell you about the painful gaping hollowness in my chest when I really do miss him too much. The pain makes me cry really, really hard--strange whining noises if there aren't people around, or otherwise wordless screams. Gasps for breath when I can and my whole body gets really tight and curls up into the fetal position, as if that would protect me more. Strange, isn't it? The pain is where the heart is, which they tell you when you're little is where your feelings are and a general symbol for emotion deposit but you don't actually feel things with your physical heart, do you? Maybe it's just because it's the center of the body and this ache I feel is very center and not peripheral too.

This very first time I felt that kind of pain was in 8th grade, when my parents told me that they would have to send my cat back to the shelter because she was pooped all over the house and it was my fault because I didn't clean her litter often enough. That was the terrible night of 7th grade. The overwhelming guilt from the idea that my laziness and negligence sending my poor innocent kitty away where she wouldn't be loved.

Anyway, the feeling sucks. The only good thing about it is that it reassures me that I do indeed love him very, very much because come on, why else should such pain be endured? But it's still crappy, and I'm driven to do what I can to relieve it a bit, like trekking down to NY to spend 9 hours in NJ with him, or risking the great maternal wrath by not being home as much as possible when I can be with him instead. These efforts help a little bit, which makes them worth it, but I know that in the general scheme of things it will be long, long time before I can be with him often enough to be satisfied. Which is also depressing, but I try not to dwell on that too much and think about the countdown until the next time or trying to plan ahead or trying to figure out how to remove obstacles from my plans.

So, that's why the cost of trips to visit each other doesn't have that much importance in my mind. Anything to ease the pain! The usual difficulty is the lack of public transportation out to Gettysburg, which is something I really can't do anything about, but it'll be the summer and public transportation will work and money? Less new stuff for me is okay. I spend more money on less fulfilling crap anyway. He needs the money from working to pay for school, though, which is something I can't argue with or solve, and apparently the trip here is considered to be rather expensive (I still maintain that it isn't, really, but different standards I guess) on its own even before the loss of income due to not working for a few days.

So now I'm trying to think about how I can get to NJ but not stay at home-home because then my parents will expect me to stay at home and that won't be why I'm home, so why pretend, right? Although this plan is flawed in that there is a slim-to-none chance (I would advise you to place your bets closer to none than slim) that his parents would be okay with me staying at their house for a weekend. Sigh. Suggestions are welcome. I'm generally pretty thorough about thinking through possible solutions to a problem and I'm currently stumped, which may suggest that the whole thing is completely futile, but it's possible that there's something brilliant waiting. That's how it was for Operation Lost Socks, too, I was just waiting for the bus after getting of the T and WHAMMO thought of a solution!

I hope tomorrow's another sunny day.

I better get to studying chem now. Writing this entry has helped; I've mostly stopped crying for now, anyway. Have a good day, you all, especially those close to me who I torment because I love and miss you all, and people who are in places with good friends and significant others close by? Go, go right now and give them all a big hug and appreciate the close-by-ness for me. Thanks.

Oh and if anyone wants to visit me over the summer, please do!!! If everyone can only come once but lots of people can come, then I won't be so lonely. :)

{Posted at 12:36AM} {2 comment(s)}


Easter break '05.

Monday, 28 March 2005

Next year, Easter break and Patriot's day are around the same weekend so I won't have quite so many breaks during spring semester, so hush. Anyway, I'm really glad that this year's Easter break was when it was because it coincided with the end of Dan's spring break. So basically, I haven't done much over the past few days except spend time with him. I suspect that my mom wasn't very pleased about that at all, but oh well. I did take my sister to go see Robots, which was cute but clearly for much younger children (holes on story that they wouldn't notice) and I also baked 2 apple pies with her. Ugh, remind me never to make the crust from scratch again! It was so frustrating because it kept sticking to the rolling pin.

With Dan, I watched The Incredibles again, last week's Alias episode, and several episodes of The West Wing Season 3. By myself, I watched the entire Friends Season 7 and the first few episodes of Season 8. I didn't sleep much :P

Dan and I were pretty bored with watching tv by Friday afternoon, so I dragged him out to the bead store in Morganville along Rt. 79 (I dragged RoRo there once too, because Dan was working at Acme) and then I randomly decided that I wanted to go to The Hobby Shop in Matawan. That was fun! It really was a trip back to childhood, what with Dan's baseball card hobby and my random toys (remember those water-filled toys with the buttons that you squeezes to make jets to push the rings onto the sticks and variations thereof?) We looked through their puzzle collection and decided that if we couldn't figure out anything to do on Saturday, we'd come back and buy a 3D puzzle to do because they looked cool and fun and not that hard...

Haha, WRONG!!! Those things are really hard! Essentially, we worked on it for 3 hours Saturday afternoon, 3 hours Saturday night (I even got my curfew extended by an hour from my mom so I could continue to work on the puzzle), and then another half hour Sunday night to get it done. Isn't it cool, though?

Chrysler building 3D puzzle

Chrysler building as a 3D puzzle!

Dan chose to get the Chrysler building because Paci really likes that building and we meant to get it done in time to bring it with us when visiting Paci on Saturday, but then we learned that the 3D puzzles aren't easy to do!

Me and the puzzle

I used to have a Wheel of Fortune round puzzle and a Disney's Beauty and the Beast puzzle. I would put them together and then take them apart and put them together again...

Dan and the puzzle

I did most of the work in the beginning, but then Dan got much better at putting the pieces together...and it got easier as we went along, with fewer pieces to search through and a better understanding of how it's all put together.

So that was a fun way to spend the weekend! Anyway, I also visited Paci Sunday night bearing a piece of apple pie because Dan and I didn't get to go see him on Saturday.

There are 7 weeks until the end of the semester now. Dan's going to take me to a baseball game that one week I'm home between the end of school and the start of the community service program. He will probably visit me once while I'm here for the summer but the separation still hurts a lot. See, before there was fear of the future/not knowing if we could do a ldr but now I know we can, but I also know that no matter what it hurts when I'm not with him, very futile, very depressing. Sigh.

I got into that Costa Rica summer study abroad thing, but I'm not sure if I want to go. I have to decide by 4/6. Reasons for not going: expensive ($4200 for 3 weeks), getting up early for hikes in the rainforest, bad time (exactly the 3 weeks before Dan leaves for school). Reasons for going: learn/practice Spanish again, take a Poli Sci course to see what it's like, see Costa Rica for the first time. I'm going to talk to the P-scholars that went in past years to find out some more info, but I'm leaning towards not going right now.

{Posted at 05:53PM} {3 comment(s)}